Flower

 

Flower 

Moving forward

It dawned on me today that I barely thought of him. I remember in the beginning, right after we broke up, it felt like this day would never come. I was praying and pleading with Jesus for the strength to reach this moment. Realizing that I had been dealing with a narcissist, where none of his declarations of love were genuine and every ounce of affection was just a tool for manipulation, made it easier to let go. It’s hard to miss a performance. I’m praying for the real thing one day. I know it’s out there, and with every experience, I get closer to recognizing and finding it.

I’m currently awaiting the results of my STD tests. I don’t trust that he was ever faithful, and although we mostly used protection, I need the peace of mind to know that I’m healthy. Only then can I truly close this painful chapter.

It feels like I’ve finally caught up to how everyone else has been feeling about the breakup. My daughter’s been joyfully exclaiming, “No more Brian!” with the brightest smile. My parents are relieved, and even my brother and his fiancée were skeptical that the relationship would work.

It’s strange how being with him killed my libido. Maybe it was the emotional trauma, or perhaps it has nothing to do with him at all and everything to do with my growing walk with Christ. I desire a loving relationship that leads to marriage, where a true spiritual and emotional connection comes first—without relying on the physical to convince me there’s more.

I still wonder if any of it was real. Was the entire relationship just a scheme for him to take advantage of me, hoping for a big house in Linwood for him and his daughter while mine rotted in a group home? I can’t believe he thought I’d ever agree to that. But at the end of the day, I’m just so grateful it’s over.

Strength and Empowerment After Emotional Abuse: My Journey to Healing

Emotional abuse is insidious. It sneaks in under the guise of love, affection, adoration and promises, all while subtly eroding your sense of self-worth. Looking back, it’s hard to believe how deeply I was entangled, but in the thick of it, it was difficult to see the reality.

Brian came into my life strong. He showered me with affection and began calling me pet names after our very first date, he told me he was a Christian(I met him on a Christian dating app), and then later admitted he didn’t believe in Jesus. Within two weeks, he told me he was in love with me—strategically, I now see, because I was beginning to express doubts about our seemingly mismatched faiths. It was all an attempt to keep me hooked, to make me feel special and irreplaceable.

He laid it on thick, constantly reminding me that no one had ever made him feel the way I had. He told me I was his deepest and strongest connection, that I was his person, that he’d only ever been in love once before, but even that paled in comparison to what we shared. I fell for it. Who wouldn’t want to feel that cherished? But slowly, the veil came off.

Financially, Brian took advantage of me. He never contributed fairly to the relationship. I remember going to ShopRite with him, expecting him to pay for his own snacks that he put in the cart. But instead, he stood by while I paid for everything—over $100 worth of snacks—without giving a dime. He even had the audacity to take all the snacks home with him when he left. I found myself footing the bill for everything except our sporadic dates. 

But it wasn’t just about the money. He tried to erode my self-worth. He criticized my home, a house I worked so hard for as a single mother, saying it wasn’t big enough—even though it was three times the size of the apartment he lived in inside of his mother’s house. He put down my new fully-loaded car, the first I’d ever owned, saying it’s not that great. I did all of this on my own for me and my daughter, with little help and he tried to take that pride away. He even told me no other “high-value” man would want me because I was too career-oriented. He made me promise I’d never aim for a high-powered job like CHRO because women like that are materialistic and he didn’t want that and neither would any other man.

He had a plan for us to move into a house together, one that I was supposed to buy while he continued to contribute nothing. But I woke up. He was using me for financial stability while trying to erode everything I had worked for. 

A part of me knew something wasn’t right, and we argued every month because of it. I’d express how hurtful his actions were or what he wasn’t doing, but he gaslit me into believing I had PMDD, blaming my emotions and hormones for all of our problems. He even sent me Reddit posts about women struggling with the condition and how they felt terrible about causing issues in their relationships, even though their boyfriends stood by them—just like he claimed to be doing for me. It made me question my sanity. He constantly reminded me that no other man would tolerate my emotions the way he did. By the end of the relationship, I began to believe I was the problem and that something was seriously wrong with me, all due to his relentless emotional manipulation.

He was relentless. He tried to convince me he was the best I could do, claiming no one else would make the effort to bond with my autistic child the way he was. He bragged about how his exes always came back to him, how he continued sleeping with one even while she had a boyfriend, and how his ex-wife wanted him back after their divorce. He wanted me to see him as desirable to others, to make me feel lucky to have him. Looking back, it’s unbelievable that I tolerated any of this, but when you’re in the middle of emotional manipulation, it’s easy to become entangled in the messiness of it all.

What finally broke the spell was my daughter. Brian pretended to care about being a father figure, but he began suggesting that she be placed in residential care. He told me that living with her would cause him to resent her, as it was always about her and not about us. He was angry I would not let him discipline her. I never let him spend a moment alone with her. When he said he would grow to resent my daughter, the mama bear in me snapped. He could try to tear me down, but attacking my child was a line he couldn’t cross. That’s when I found the strength to let him go. I’m grateful he showed his true colors so soon, and I didn’t waste more time.

I don’t know what kind of person preys on a single mother, exploiting not only her emotions but also those of an innocent child with special needs. It takes a special kind of cruelty to manipulate and take advantage of such vulnerability. There are truly bad people in this world. 
I don’t need to psychoanalyze Brian anymore. He is a man with deep-rooted insecurities that have nothing to do with me. He tried to destroy my essence, to make me question my worth, but he didn’t win. I’m stronger because of it. I learned valuable lessons from that relationship, and I will never allow myself to fall into something like that again.

As Lady Gaga says, "I still feel the blow, but at least now I know - it wasn’t love. It was a perfect illusion."

I hope Brian lives his life knowing I am the one ex who will never come back. I am the one who was strong enough to leave and never look back. That’s why I post about my strength. That’s why unblocking him feels empowering. I’ve spent months trying to find the woman I was before him, but I realize now I’m not her anymore. I am someone stronger, wiser, and most importantly, I’m healing.

There were red flags from the beginning, but sometimes loneliness makes us overlook them. I urge anyone reading this to be careful. Not everything that shines is gold, and wolves really do wear sheep’s clothing. You deserve to feel loved, respected, and valued—and that starts with recognizing your own worth, but most importantly, it starts with loving yourself. 

Dreams that speak to you

Let me preface this by saying that I am very religious. I believe in God and ever since he spoke to me at 17 through Viola, I know that he has a plan for me. I know he watches me closely and wants the best for me. I know what he wants from me, but feel it's so hard for me to accomplish. However, this weekend will help make me more determined to go down the proper path.

I don't understand what my purpose is yet, but maybe I'm getting close?

Ever since I was a teenager I've been able to sense certain things. Lately this "ability" has gotten stronger. I can feel when something bad might happen, or a thought will pop into my head of a situation and that situation will then materialize. It's some what prophetic. God speaks to me in my dreams. I dreamed about my ex boyfriend's past. He was all wrong for me and cheating on me/lying to me. I dreamed the name of the other woman. A name I never knew.

I pay close attention to my dreams and how I feel after. I'm trying to learn to decipher between the dreams that are messages from God and the dreams that are just part of my self-conscious. So far the dreams that are messages from God have materialized in the natural world leading me to confirm they were from God.

Friday night after watching Paranormal Activity 2 I went to bed. I was a little shaken by the movie so I was expecting to have a nightmare or two. What I wasn't expecting was for God to talk to me in my dream. I wasn't expecting him to give me a glimpse of what could take place and allowing me to pray about it in advance.

I dreamed something bad was going to happen to my father. In my dream a demon was after his soul. He was going to die. I was running after him trying to save him. I don't know if he was driving or how he was moving away from me. That's all very foggy. I do know that the demon was after me as well. I somehow saw or knew that I had two Guardian Angels. I asked God to allow one of my Guardian Angels to protect my father. I remember hearing myself scream Daddy!! Daddy!! Daddy!! I don't remember if I woke up from that or if the dream continued. I don't remember if I prayed for my dad's protection before or after screaming for him either.

Saturday morning I had a bad feeling in my stomach about my Dad. I kept thinking I needed to check in on him for some reason. I blamed the nightmare. However, I couldn't shake the bad feeling. I kept texting him and feeling relief when he responded.

Sunday night my dad tells me that when he was driving his left wheel fell off and his brakes stopped working. He lost control of the car and the car ended up in front of a church between two telephone polls. A collision with either poll could have caused my Dad severe injuries. This could have ended in so many horrific ways. However, he ended up safe and sound. I got chills when I heard this story.

I believe this was God not only protecting my father, but getting my attention again. He knows what he's doing. I'm trying to continue my Christian walk. I know getting off track is a way of life, but I'd love to stay on track. I need to find a strong Christian community by me. Maybe Monmouth County worship center? Christ Church doesn't do it for me.... the one in Montclair does. God will point me in the right direction and make whats meant to be materialize.

The crazy thing about it was that this happened on his deceased mother's birthday. I've always wondered if she was my guardian angel, now I think she is and protects both my father and me.