It dawned on me today that I barely thought of him. I remember in the beginning, right after we broke up, it felt like this day would never come. I was praying and pleading with Jesus for the strength to reach this moment. Realizing that I had been dealing with a narcissist, where none of his declarations of love were genuine and every ounce of affection was just a tool for manipulation, made it easier to let go. It’s hard to miss a performance. I’m praying for the real thing one day. I know it’s out there, and with every experience, I get closer to recognizing and finding it.
I’m currently awaiting the results of my STD tests. I don’t trust that he was ever faithful, and although we mostly used protection, I need the peace of mind to know that I’m healthy. Only then can I truly close this painful chapter.
It feels like I’ve finally caught up to how everyone else has been feeling about the breakup. My daughter’s been joyfully exclaiming, “No more Brian!” with the brightest smile. My parents are relieved, and even my brother and his fiancée were skeptical that the relationship would work.
It’s strange how being with him killed my libido. Maybe it was the emotional trauma, or perhaps it has nothing to do with him at all and everything to do with my growing walk with Christ. I desire a loving relationship that leads to marriage, where a true spiritual and emotional connection comes first—without relying on the physical to convince me there’s more.
I still wonder if any of it was real. Was the entire relationship just a scheme for him to take advantage of me, hoping for a big house in Linwood for him and his daughter while mine rotted in a group home? I can’t believe he thought I’d ever agree to that. But at the end of the day, I’m just so grateful it’s over.
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